WritingForRachel: March 2018

Two years ago last month, I joined a wellness competition in my boot camp group. It’s called MOLO, which stand for Mother’s Love. It wasn’t the first time I’d signed up for it, and I admit I did it reluctantly. But my friend had recently bought the boot camp franchise, and I’m a supportive friend, so there I was. Part of the challenge was setting goals for yourself. Typical ones would be to mark increased strength, reasonable weight loss, specific healthier eating habits, etc. But you see I’d done all those before. Twice for this specific competition and I dropped out both times and went into the big black hole of “I suck cause I always fail so I’m not gonna try anymore.” I’ve lost and gained a lot of weight in my life. It gets old being on that see saw. But, in an effort to try again and be a supportive friend (mostly to be a supportive friend), I valiantly tried to set realistic goals. In a conversation with my friend, I commented that it’d be nice if I could just finish one of these damn things. She said, “Then make that your goal.”

"What? "

“Make that your goal. Don’t quit.”

"That’s it?"

“That’s it. Sure, you have other goals. But none of them happen if you don’t show up. So make that your goal. Your only goal. Don’t quit.”

So that's what I did. And I have tears in my eyes writing this, because I did it. For the first time in a whole lot of years, I didn’t quit. It wasn’t always pretty, but I showed up. Not only did I not quit, I was one of three finalists and voted by my peers as “The Heart of MOLO.” I’m still so super proud of that it’s ridiculous. Sometimes you have to start with small goals to make big accomplishments.

MOLO 2017 (both these women with me are badasses. My friend Erica on the right is a working (Geologist!) single mom and you can set your clock by her. If there's evening bootcamp, she's there with her adorable daughter. To the left is my amazing friend Jenny, who was our 2017 MOLO winner!!! She's a mother to 5 and #6 is on the way, and she's a wonderful friend, listener, and work out partner)

I wish I could say from that moment forward I’ve been hardcore on this journey, but predictably I went back into a hole and ghosted out of class for awhile. In and out, but not super consistent. However I did use that tiny spark to start taking control of my health. I have Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, pregnancy induced hypertension that I still have 5 years after my last pregnancy, I couldn’t lose weight to save my life, my hair was falling out, I had terrible itchy spots all over me, and depression. I felt like I was walking through molasses all day every day until I fell into bed….and couldn’t sleep. Basically I was super fun to be around. But that theme of “Don’t quit” kind of became a mantra. I started reading on my own. I started asking questions. I stopped believing that “my lab reports were good” and there was nothing more I could do. I started trusting my own voice. Just a little bit, but enough to set me on the path. I knew this couldn’t be my best life and I was determined to make someone listen to me.

A lot of journeys start with good friends telling you the truth, just like mine did. And good friends will keep you on the path. I had another friend call me out on my depression and tell me to go back on anti-depressants. I didn’t want to, but since most days I felt like I was going to cry, scream, or potentially bodily harm someone, it seemed like a logical solution. I started with my OB-GYN (a woman), and my new GP (a woman), and we found one that works for me. Huge difference. It’s like being awake in the sun vs. walking through the darkness of depression. It’s about being able to step outside of your emotions and decide what’s valid and what isn’t. Listen people, there’s nothing wrong with an anti-depressant. If it helps you lead your best life, you take it. It cleared my head and gave me what I needed to keep going.

I read a lot of books about my condition and diet that affects it. I’d recommend “The Root Cause” by Dr.Isabella Wentz. Keep your pen and paper and dictionary handy, because it is a medical tome. But slog through it if you have Hashimoto’s. She was huge in teaching me what tests I needed to ask for and what supplements to investigate. I read The Paleo Solution by Robb Wolf (twice) and Whole 30 by Melissa Hartwig. You’d think at this point, I’d say I went full Paleo.

Nope.

Despite knowing how I SHOULD eat, I didn’t. I would for a week or two and then go back. Dairy and bread are a siren song, am I right? I wasn’t ready. And though I’m an intelligent and capable woman, I guess I had to wait until someone told me I HAD to. That was coming.

During all these small gains, this 1 step forward, 2 steps back dance I was doing, my brother Bert encouraged, listened, called me out, and answered the same questions about a million times. He’s a strength and conditioning coach and personal trainer at Efficient Exercise. Functional movement and healthy living are his obsession. I shamelessly admit that I lean on him too much. But he loves to research anything about exercise so I’ll just chalk it up to keeping him on his toes. I value his opinion and knowledge, and patience. He told me more than once, “it’s your body, you strengthen it.” Like, stop waiting for someone to save me. The nerve.

He told me all along to go to a functional medicine doctor. I didn’t do it because those folks are expensive. I wasn’t ready to make that kind of investment, and drastic diet changes that I knew would come with that. However, by chance at a routine chiropractor appointment, as I mentioned how gross I still felt, the chiro told me his wife was a blood nutritionist. Eureka! I made an appointment. With a bloodnutrionist functional medicine doctor (also a woman) - Dr. Kim Tran.

After testing what felt like the entire volume of blood in my body, and starting an army of supplements, she looked me in the eye and said “You need to live a Paleo lifestyle. No dairy, no gluten, extremely limited sugar.” I knew it was coming. I just had to get there in my own time. By this point, nearly 4 years after being diagnosed with Hashimoto’s, I was so miserable I didn’t care. Take away whatever you want, just make me feel better. Within a month, life changed in the best ways. In 2 weeks, the “ugh I’m tired I want cheese/bread/coffee” hangover was over. It was pretty mild honestly, I know that’s not the case for everyone. In a month, I had more energy. In 6 weeks, with tweaks to the dosage of some of my supplements, my hair stopped falling out. The benefits just kept piling up. This began my real journey with Paleo and clean eating food. I did a 2 week gut healing cleanse. I did Whole 30. I am working toward finding my food freedom. I am finding balance and deciding, moment by moment, what’s worth it to me and what isn’t. Most desserts aren’t worth it. Wine usually is, but not nearly as much as it used to be. It’s a road I’ll probably always be traveling and what is worth it will change over time. I think that’s what Melissa Hartwig means when she posts about “Food Freedom”. It’s working for me anyway, I’ve lost 2 pant sizes! I still have an endocrinologist and I probably always will. I need synthetic hormones, but with his direction I’ve switched to one with a gluten free casing to increase my absorbency. But now, he’s a member of the team (and the only man), not the whole team. Last week, for the first time in 4 years, he said I looked fantastic. His words were “Young lady, you have never looked better, and your blood work is the best I’ve ever seen it. Whatever you’re doing, keep it doing it." I cried walking out of his office. Because you know what? I feel like myself for the first time in a very, very long time.

Last but not least, find your squad. Life is hard, even harder without your people. I have my tribe here in Katy, I have my college tribe all over the country, I have my bootcamp family, I have my actual family, I have a health journey/weight loss online support group, I have some people in my “at large” family that don’t know they’re family (Melissa Hartwig, Danielle Walker, and Glennon Doyle I’m looking at you) and I finally, after much searching and bitching and refusing to give up, have an incredible team of doctors. All of these people encourage me to be my best self. They pick me up when I fail, they celebrate when I yell at them like a little kid that just learned to ride a bike (“Hey! Everybody LOOK! I can do a proper walking lunge!”), they encourage me when I’m down, they call me out when I’m being stupid or in a self pity spin out. Their words remind me to be bold in my self-belief, to try again, that I’m worth it, that I’m making progress, that they’re proud of me. It’s huge. Life is not meant to be lived alone. If you don’t have a tribe, find the nearest Baby Boot Camp and be brave and go say hi. It will change your life. Read people’s words that inspire you, and then turn around and inspire someone else with what you learned. Be brave. Everyone is scared. Everyone started somewhere and was a beginner once, or twice, or three times. This is the 3^rd time I’ve been on a health journey, but this is the first time I knew it was for life, and its mostly because as Melissa Hartwig says “I consciously created that shit”. Build your own life, find people to live it with that see and love you for who you are. Real friends walk the path with you and they fill it with so much more joy.

My Katy Tribe on my 40th birthday. Back (L to R) Tricia, Jennifer, Victoria, me, Deya. Front row (L to R) April, Katie, and Katie's mini-me, Amy). Arrow pointing to the owner of Baby Boot Camp Katy & Richmond, Victoria.

My college tribe on Spring Break L to R: Kristen, Jessica, me, Jennifer, and Ej, (missing Jackie & Tara)

My brother and Melissa Hartwig (creator of Whole30) at SXSW 2018

My point in writing this is not to tell you that you should immediately go Paleo (but you should). It’s to tell you not to give up. It took me 4 years to find my path. Eight years if you track it back to my first pregnancy. I lost the weight after it, but I didn’t find balance. It took not accepting “you’re fine” as a good enough answer. I don’t want to be fine. I only get one life. I don’t want to spend it walking through molasses. So in an effort to line it all up - Here’s what’s happened in the 2 years since I decided in that MOLO competition not to quit on myself.

My hair isn’t falling out and has grown 4 inches.

I attend boot camp class at least 4 times a week and I walk or elliptical when I don’t.

I sleep better.

My skin has cleared up

I actually have core strength.

I can do a one legged pushup on my toes (this is not intrinsic but I’m super proud of it so I’m throwing it in)

I’ve lost weight (that is only important because it makes me healthier and feel good in my clothes and shopping is FUN again)

I started writing again, because my brain and my soul are awake for the first time in a long time

I turned 40 and I’m ok with that, because I’m living a better life.

I like the food I eat, I learned a whole new way to cook, and I don’t miss dairy or gluten (or coffee actually but that was an unintended side effect of Whole 30). I don’t miss them at all. I’m never going back.

My overall health is a work in progress. I have a battery of tests every 120 days with the blood nutritionist. But little by little my gut is healing, my inflammation markers are down, and even the inflammation in my thyroid is down. Hashimoto’s will never be healed, but the inflammation can be. And side note – it wasn’t as expensive as I thought it would be, and worth every penny.

I started my own business that I've been dreaming about for 5 years. I am an ambassador with Noonday Collection, a fair trade company that partners with jewelry and accessory artisans in 13 underserved countries across the globe to increase their marketplace here in the U.S. We work together to lift up other women, families, and communities across the globe.

Most importantly, I remembered who I am and that I’m worth it.

So if you’re on a health journey, or you wish you could be on one, listen to your voice. No one knows your body like you do. Don’t accept “you’re fine” - but realize that you have to do the work too. It’s not about taking another prescription sometimes, though they have their place. It’s about not quitting on yourself. One small step at a time. I still modify almost everything in boot camp and I probably always will. I’m 40, I have early onset arthritis in my knees, I will always have an autoimmune condition, and it’s easy to feel that mom guilt that keeps me from paying proper attention to my needs. But one small step at a time, I’m staying on the path. And the path is everything.

This year in February, as we always do, we had another MOLO. This year my first goal was “Don’t Quit”.

It always will be. It’s become my life mantra.

But I also set goals that I’d hold a 2 minute forearm plank, I’d level up my weights and resistance bands, and I’d be able to do bicep curls on one leg. I crushed them all. I also got voted an “Inspirational MOLO Mom” by my peers. That means everything to me. If I can do it, you can do it too. I am going to continue to set goals, and continue on the path, and continue to seek balance and health and joy. Because the journey is never complete as long as we’re here on this earth right? That’s the fun part.