Anyone else feel me on this meme?
There’s a lot of buzz about
motherhood and self care these days, and I would bet money this is how most of us feel most of the time.
“You can’t pour from an empty cup.”
“Put the oxygen mask on yourself
first.”
In theory these are true and wise,
and we should all do them by instinct. But motherhood and life and adulting,
well, they’re hard. The brain does weird things when you fall into survival
mode and start to feel overwhelmed. At least for me, self care is always the
first thing to go. Losing self care is quickly followed by my self-confidence
and the ability to hear my own voice. Lately I’ve been thinking about these
things a lot, probably because of Mother’s Day and all the posts about taking
the day off or treating yourself, and the many blogs about motherhood. I think
most women are familiar with this spiral, but we don’t talk about it. We make
comments that motherhood is hard, we laugh about it and share a glass of wine.
But often we don’t acknowledge the real and raw idea of what it looks and feels
like when it happens.
So, let me give you a hypothetical
example of what this downward spiral might look like:
“It’s
the end of the school year and there is something extra to remember for both
your kids, every single day on top of the usual craziness. Colorful sock day,
tie dye day, teacher appreciation week, bring a flower day, send an extra snack
day, donate a book day, celebrations of learning, school musicals, end of the
year projects, and all the while your child has completely checked out and is
in full on summer mode (and to be honest, so are you). When you forget one of
these things, your child tells you that he was the “only one” in the class that
didn’t participate, and that goes straight to your heart. It stings. You tell
yourself it’s not a big deal but that little kernel of mom guilt sneaks in and
does a number on you. You’ve also had a tough week budget-wise and there are
other big emotion items on your mind. Everyone knows a woman’s brain never
stops, so you’ve been mentally chewing on these things well into the night. You’re
tired. So you snap at your 8-year-old for whining about “being out of
everything” when you’re just trying to get through the week. The mom guilt increases.
In
addition, it’s allergy season and you feel an ear infection coming on. Instead
of going to the Ear Nose and Throat doctor like you know should, you go to the
General Practitioner and just see the nurse because you’re in a hurry. The kids
have practice and you need to get ready to go out of town for your blossoming
jewelry business, quite frankly, you don’t have time to drive into town. You
ignore the obvious signs this is not going to go well. Over the weekend you end
up having your friend drive you to urgent care with a ruptured ear drum. Now
your body is tired, and fighting an infection, and you’re in pain, and you feel
very sorry for yourself. You start to question yourself in situations where
you’re normally very confident. You become needy and looking for outside
reassurance, when in actuality you’re competent and secure in who you are. One
night you finally lose your shit and announce you need to take a walk. You’re
literally stomping around the block, and your brain is fuming and furious at
everyone and everything and telling you your entire life is just a house of
cards. Without warning you’re crying and talking to yourself like a crazy
person because you realized, as you stomped along, you WEREN’T EVEN BREATHING.
You take in a great lungful of air and realize your self care meter has fallen
so low, you’ve forgotten to breathe.”
I mean, this is all hypothetical,
of course. I’m just saying. If you’re not careful, it could happen.
Why do
we do this to ourselves? Why does it
have to get to the point where we can’t breathe before we realize we aren’t
checking in with ourselves? I’m the first to tell my friends they need to take
some time and take care of themselves. But I rarely remember that for myself
until I’ve spiraled all the way down. I don’t know why we do, and I don’t know
how to stop it from happening. But I’ll tell you what I decided to do different
immediately. Rachel’s six steps back to sanity I call it.
1. From
the wise advice of a friend, I came home and sat down to my computer and did
the thing that gives me life and centers me more than anything. I wrote. I wrote and wrote and wrote and pretty soon
had typed up thousands of words over pages and pages of single space type. A
lot of it was ugly - emotions I didn’t know I was holding in that I most likely
will never show the world. But I can’t keep them inside of me or they will eat
me alive. I hadn’t written just for myself in so long. I’m trying to make it a
regular practice now. Whatever the thing
is that centers you, do that first. Get all the ugly out, all the emotions, all
the pain, all the worry. Find what lets you release those feelings and thoughts
so they don’t stay inside you rotting.
2. The
night of the walk I texted a friend and simply said, “I’m not ok”. We talked,
and she told me to write because a good friend knows what your thing is. The
next day I went to my counselor and cried for an hour. With both of their help
I was able to name my emotions and look at them one by one, and figure out a plan to deal with them. I had to
remember I’m not alone, and even if I sound like a broken record, the people
that love me will still listen. That’s what we do for our people. And if you
need some professional help, please get it. Most counselors will work with you
on a sliding scale. I know because every single time I’ve gone to counseling
they’ve worked with me. There is no shame in asking for help. Counselors can give
you tools to help you. Sometimes we need both friends and professionals, and
that is 100% ok. Don’t try to do things alone when you know damn good and well you
can’t. Lean on your support system, let people love and help you. Relationships
are something I pride myself in maintaining and nurturing, but I often forget
to let people do that for me, too. I also want to say that I think everyone,
like, everyone, should go to counseling at least once in their lives. We all
have baggage we carry, and a good counselor can change your life.
3. I
went to work out and stopped eating crap. I know I don’t do well on gluten and
dairy, and that I shouldn’t have wine every night. But when the stress creeps
in, I want comfort food. For me, that’s carbs and wine. My body loves to remind
me every time that this is a really stupid idea and I will kick myself later.
But in the moment, when you’re not listening to your voice and can’t hear it
anyway, that waffle looks pretty comforting. Physical movement, sweat, being
with other people, all those things make you feel better, look better, and be
more confident. No, I didn’t want to. I still have a damn ear infection and I
couldn’t do any of the up and down moves or hear very well, but it was a balm
to my tired body and hurting soul. I only get one life and I’m not getting any
younger. So, I went to my boot camp and though it was really hard, I felt more
like me than I had in a week. Self care
is not only mental. It’s also physical. When we eat what we should and exercise
and CARE for the body we’re given, it makes stress easier to manage. Take the
time to physically take care of yourself.
4. I
meditated. I like to do simple, short guided meditations. I also like to walk and just think. On a
normal day, one where I’m breathing, a walk is centering. Being outside with
the sun on my skin and music in my ears is one of the more cathartic things in
life for me. Basically, I was QUIET IN MY BRAIN. It’s not easy for women to do.
And lo and behold, I could hear myself again. I remembered my voice, and my
wants, and my opinions. I remembered I like myself and most of the time believe
in myself. I am capable of what life throws at me. I am strong, I am a grown-up,
damnit, and I can do this mothering and
life and adulting thing. I can do it well, and I can consciously create it to
look the way I want it to look. Spend
time in the quiet. In your own head, with your own thoughts, listening to your
own voice. You’ll be surprised what you will hear.
5. Finally,
I gave myself a good mental slap across the face. I do not believe in being a victim. That doesn’t mean I don’t
believe in crying, or that I won’t ever get overwhelmed again. I will. But at
the end of it, sometimes a good self ass kicking is just the thing to breathe
in deep and get moving again. I told myself I was being an idiot (but with love
and patience and humor and a long-suffering sigh) because I know me. I’m not an
idiot. I am confident, I am capable, and it serves no one for me to forget
that. Sometimes, a good long look in the
mirror and being sick of hearing yourself whine is just what you need. Get up,
put some lipstick on, and go back out there.
6. Do
something fun, just because you love it. This particular timing worked out well
for me because months ago I bought tickets to see Todrick Hall’s Forbidden Tour
with my niece as an 18th birthday present. I know I seem to
overstate it, but that performance was life giving. It lit up my smile and was
100% a happy place. The music, the people in the crowd, the whole vibe of
believing yourself and celebrating other peoples’ Shine just reminded me the
world can be very beautiful. You just have to remember to stop and look. Don’t be afraid to just celebrate life and
have a good time. Find artists, musicians, writers, adventurers, anyone that
creates and just enjoy the beauty of their creation. Oh, and there’s another
blog post coming about Todrick soon.
I’m writing all this down because
when I forget to breathe again, and I will, I can refer to this and hopefully remember
these 6 things, and shorten the cycle back to myself. Maybe someone else needs
a reminder too. Also, since it’s Mother’s Day and we hear a lot about taking
the day off and “self care”, it’s been in the forefront of my Facebook feed and
my mind. Self care is not a bubble bath, although sometimes those are super
helpful. Self care, to quote something I read, is creating a life you don’t
regularly need to escape from. It’s taking time for you, and the things you
love, from the beginning. It’s making yourself strong mentally and physically,
so you can put your best foot forward. It’s remembering that you are worthy of
the same love, care and attention you give to the rest of your people. When I
do that, I can be a better mom and my kids see me prioritizing my health and
happiness too. Someday, when they are adults, I hope they will remember that
and do the same for themselves. Making yourself a priority does not mean
putting yourself ahead of those you love in your life, it’s simply making sure
you’re breathing too. It’s putting on your oxygen mask first, so you also put
theirs on. If I’m the best version of me, then I’m the best mom and friend and
woman I can be. And that’s something I want to be, Every time and All the Time.
No comments:
Post a Comment